Guest Post - Jennifer's Story

This is a story from Rachel's Vineyard, www.rachelsvineyard.org

Jennifer's Story:

My story... I am a post abortive mother.
I suffer from the internal wounds that pierced my heart that day sixteen years ago when I chose to abort my baby. I was eighteen years old, single and starting college when I found out I was pregnant. Scared and confused I sought the advice of peers, the father and a women's clinic. The "messages" I received from them and the lack of communication with my family left me more confused and scared. The clinic and peers supported the decision of abortion. My relationship with the father was already failing and I was trying to start a new life within the college scene. Terrorized of the future and the "real world," I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy (as it was called then), in the hope that it would solve the crisis I was in and I could just go on with my life. I entered the clinic as a frightened child and left the clinic a few hours later wounded for life. There was so many things I was not informed about. Especially, the long lasting emotional and spiritual effects.

When the reality of what I had done sunk in, I turned to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain. I became depressed and buried myself in my academic studies at college. The emotional and spiritual wound that was left untreated grew in magnitude. The guilt, shame, sorrow and regret created a great "black hole" inside myself. I tried to fill it with numerous things: marriage, children, a career and volunteer work. For the next sixteen years I felt isolated, depressed and anxious. I constantly condemned myself for what I chose to do. I "deserved" eternal punishment and only sought out abusive relationships thinking I didn't deserve love, honor or respect.

A sword pierces my heart each time I hear the word abortion, see a pro-life billboard, hear a pro-life speaker at Mass, or read an article about abortion. I would repeat to myself that I was a murderer and counted myself among the wicked for taking the life of my unborn child. The pain inside became overwhelming - only a few people knew - those who supported the decision. It was my hidden secret. Who could I tell? What would they say? Who would understand the pain or help me to cope with it? I felt alone but I also knew that I needed to do something. The wound was affecting all my relationships - with myself, God and others. My self condemnation was leading me to the edge of suicide. I attended Mass with my family but never felt worthy to be there because of the heavy guilt and shame.

There's hope... One day I glanced through the Catholic Advance and saw a small advertisement that caught my eye. It was an organization called Rachel's Vineyard. I read it and was filled with hope and joy. It was help for those hurting from abortion. It took me weeks to get up the courage to pick up the phone and call. I thank God continuously for Rachel's Vineyard, because my life has never been the same. I had reached someone who understood and wanted to help me heal the deep wound. I found acceptance, compassion, support and guidance. I experienced our Lord's healing touch through Rachel's Vineyard's team of support. With the help of some wonderful priests and post-abortive women who had healed their wounds, I began my journey back to God. It has not been an easy journey. The reward of peace of mind and heart through God's grace and mercy, and a renewed relationship with Him outweighs the pain of the journey.

Journey toward forgiveness... The journey included: naming my child and establishing a spiritual relationship with my child who is in the Lord's arms. Facing myself and those involved in my abortion and working through the anger and bitterness, toward forgiveness of myself and others. I restored my relationship with God by feeling and accepting His infinite love and mercy toward me. I attended a retreat with other post-abortive women and discovered I was not alone in my pain but many other women suffer also. In our deepest despair, we came together as God's children hurting and suffering by our own self-inflicted condemnation, guilt and shame. Together, we encountered Christ's infinite mercy and compassion through His example and through other post-abortive women, counselors and priests. Seeing others in the deep pain that I suffered moved me to compassion and desire to ease their pain. This helped me to allow others to ease mine. The weekend was an opportunity to grieve the loss of my child with others who feel the same loss. I put some closure on that chapter of my life through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, a memorial service for the babies and celebration of the Mass of the Resurrection. I will feel the pain now and then for the rest of my life but the heavy weights have lightened on my shoulders.

--- Jennifer